Mortal Fools!
by sunshinerosesandDEATH
Summary: Tired of depressing angst/romance fics that seem like the standard for MI? It's the one and only parody of CoB! Contains bizarre references, snarkiness, insults, gag jokes, Edward Cullen, and randomness, besides the mockable Real Plot. Script format
1. Chapter 1

This is my first fanfiction for Mortal Instruments. Please keep in mind that this IS a parody. I noticed that there are NO parodies at all for this series, and took it upon myself to write one. That's just the kind of nice person I am... References: Destiny's Child, Twilight, awesome Tamora Pierce fic, (yeah, I wish I was that cool) obscure Blazing Saddles. Spot them all and get a cookie!

If I owned Mortal Instruments, Jace wouldn't be fictional.

STARTPARODYSTARTPARODYSTARTPARODY!

Club: -is jumping jumping-

Line: -is long-

Demon: -is persuasive- Hi! Just let me in, nice bouncer man, my Very Sharp and Extremely Ironic Weapon is actually made of bendy rubber! -dazzles bouncer-

Bouncer: Whoaaaa man, I feel trippy! Feel free to go in, all you punks…. I'ma just gonna lie down now…. –keels over-

Everyone: Yay! –stampedes-

Very Sharp and Extremely Ironic Weapon: -conveniently disappears and is never seen again-

Demon: Mortal fools. –slips in- I think I'm just gonna kill someone now…. –spots Isabelle- -eyes bug out- ooh! She's purty! I'm going to be stupid and follow her, even though the reader knows that strange creatures that follow hot girls into random storage closets always die!

Readers: We know that? –collective shrug-

Isabelle: Coooome to meeee, my beauty! I will kill you in a The Storage Room while being incredibly hawt!

Demon: Wha? Wha'd you say?

Isabelle: -lifts skirts-

Demon: Uh, never mind! –salivates-

SCENECHANGESCENECHANGESCENECHANGE!

Simon and Clary: We're dancing! Yay!

Simon: I'm the sidekick! I exist both to make Clary less of a friendless weirdo and more of a relatable character! I also represent the Jewish minority! Yay!

Clary: -elbows Simon- Hi, I'm Clary! I like drawing!

Simon: Coughweirdocough

Clary: And I like rainbows and ponies and butterflies and ooh! Hot guy!

Simon: -looks secretly tortured-

Clary: Oh, wait, he's going off with that hot girl. Darn. –dramatic drop in self-esteem-

-Hot, Mysterious and Deadly boys slink in, creepishly following Demon and Isabelle-

Clary: Ohmygosh! Those boys are Hot, Mysterious and Deadly! And they're following that couple! We must be nosy busybodies and alert the police!

Simon: -obediently trots off-

Clary: -follows Hot Mysterious and Deadly guys into The Storage Room-

Clary: Like, where did they go?-blinks- There they are. How excessively peculiar. And golly! They're going to kill that hot guy! STOP!

Everyone: -freezes-

Alec: What the heck is that?

Jace: It's a girl, fool. Surely you've seen one before?

Alec: -mooney eyes at Jace-

Jace: -ignores- I'm going to patronize you and insult you now, little girl.

Clary: -drool- -blink- Wha? Oh, okay…

Jace: -paces up and down, stroking chin- You perfectly ordinary creature! You have no inkling of galaxies beyond galaxies, worlds beyond your wildest dreams, and the expanding glory of creation at its best, (that's me, by the way)…

Clary: -drools-

Jace: I'm going to let slip a lot of information to clue in the reader, okay?

Clary: -faintly- Anything for the plot purposes….

Jace: –points to himself- I'm a demon hunter! –points again- He's a demon hunter! She's a demon hunter! –points at Isabelle- Thaaat's a demon! We hunt demons and are extremely hot!

Readers: -drool-

Jace: -looks around-

-snaps fingers in front of face-

-looks at all glazed expressions-

Jace: I've recently taken up cross-dressing. And I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

-crickets-

Readers: -drool-

Clary: -drools-

Alec: -drools-

Simon: -bursts in- You stole my line, mortal fool!

Everyone: -continues to stare at Jace-

Simon: -walks dejectedly out-

Jace: Alec and Isabelle think I talk too much. Do youuuuuu think I talk too much?

Clary: Well… maybe… -looks in Jace's eyes- -becomes brain dead-

Jace: Do I dazzle you? –preens-

Edward Cullen: You stole my line, mortal fool! –double take- And my blessed good looks!

Jace: Up yours!

Edward Cullen: As if!

Jace: Ah, touché!

Demon: -coughcough-

Everyone: -blinks- -looks ashamed- -and disappears, leaving only Alec, Jace, Isabelle and Clary-

Demon: Why does everyone always forget about meeee?

Everyone: 'Cause Jace is hawt, biatch!

Demon: -sob-

Jace: I'ma kill this demon!

Demon: Hey!

Jace: -attacks demon-

Jace and Demon: -fight!-

Everyone: Fight fight fight!

Jace: -is victorious-

Demon: -dies and horrible and gruesome death-

Clary: Ew.

Everyone: -turns and looks at Clary-

Alec: I'm just gonna take a sudden and completely random dislike to you now, 'kay?

Isabelle: You biatch! You nearly got Jace killed!

Jace: You complete me.

-crickets-

Everyone: WHAAAT?

-Flips ahead in script-

Readers: That doesn't happen for another three hundred and one pages!

Jace: Oh, sorry. Line!

Director: It's Clary's line, mortal fool!

Clary: -smirks at Jace- -delivers line flawlessly- Youuuuu're craaaaazy! You're alllll crazy! What do you think you are, vigilante killers?

Jace: -patiently- Nooooo, we're demon hunters. Remember?

Clary: No, actually. I was too busy salivating over your astonishing good looks.

Jace: -preens-

Alec: -drools-

Isabelle: -is annoyed 'cause she hasn't had a line in forever-

Simon: -bursts in again- Clary! Clary! Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay! I would kill myself if you so much as got a paper cut!

Clary: -is oblivious- Uh, no, I'm fine. It's Jace you have to worry about, he's hurt!

Simon: Who? What? When? Where? Why? HOW?????? –head swivels-

Jace, Alec and Isabelle: -smile and wave-

Simon: Who's Jace?

Clary: -is really bad at lying on the spot… on the rug…- Uh, he's my…. He's my... imaginary friend!

Jace: -says quietly in ear- So we're friends now? I'm touched.

Alec: I'd like to make you feel touched….

Jace: What?

Alec: Nothing! Nothing! Did I say something? I didn't say anything!

Jace: -is confused-

Simon: -is suspicious- Okaaay, lets go now, Clary!

Clary: Okay! –looks behind her-

Alec: -death glare-

Isabelle: -smiles evilly and waves-

Jace: -mouths 'call me!'- -winks-

Clary: -trips over own feet-

Demon: -is dead-

FIRSTCHAPTERDONE!

Review please! And if you value your sanity, or lack thereof, do not flame!


	2. Secrets and Pies

I love you all! mwah! Mwah! You've been such lovely little reviewish people that I'm updating! RIGHT NOW!

References: Spamalot, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Monty Python, and Paul Simon!

Disclaimer: I own this awesome new dress! (but sadly not Mortal Instruments)

** Secrets and Pies**

Clary: Why is this chapter called Secrets and Pies?

-gets banana cream pie in the face-

Clary: I shouldn't have asked.

Readers: -nod sagely-

Clary: -rolls eyes and continues drawing The Eggplant Prince-

Telephone: -rings-

Clary: -is supremely unobservant-

Telephone: -rings impatiently-

Clary: -ignores unintentionally-

Telephone: Yo, I'm ringing, biatch!

Clary: -blinks- Hey! The phone's ringing! I'd better go answer it!

Readers: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Clary: -answers phone- If this is another sales call, I swear to god-

Disguised Voice: Uh, hey, is this Clary?

Clary: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?

Disguised Voice: -wonders how anyone could stretch their words out like that- Uh, hey, I'm one of the knife carrying hooligans you met last night at the club? I think we got off on the wrong foot, and-

Clary: Ooh, is this Jace? 'Cause, I'd like to start over too, but-

Disguised Voice: -flatly- No. This is Simon.

Clary: Oh. Really?

Formerly Disguised Voice, Now Commonly Known as Simon: Yes.

Clary: -is awkward-

Simon: -bemoans fate-

Clary: -starts to daydream about Jace-

Simon: Hey, do you want to go with me to something in Hoboken?

Clary: What in Hoboken?

Simon: An org- wait! A poetry slam, that's it. Just a poetry slam….

Clary: I dunno… who's doing the poetry slam?

Simon: My next door neighbor. We know each other reeeeeaaaally well.

Clary: -snickers- Reeeeeally well, huh?

Pervertedness: -makes whizzing noise as it goes straight over Simon's head-

Simon: -blinks- What was that noise?

Clary: -is resigned- Nothing…

Simon: Are you coming?

Clary: -giggles-

Simon: What's funny?

Clary: The cat is licking my toes.

Simon: You don't HAVE a cat.

Clary: It's an imaginary cat.

Simon: Whatevah. –huffs-

Clary: Simon, you can't stop me, I'm coming to this poetry slam!

Readers: -blink- Whaaaat?

Simon: Oooookay! 'Cause, you know, I love you like a rock and-

Interference: -cracklecrackle-

Readers: Ooh! Onomatopoeia!

Clary: Someone's coming! I hope they don't have deep dark secrets and turn out to be a werewolf that's in love with my mom!

Simon: -dryly- Me too…

Clary: -hangs up-

Simon: Well, that was mighty rudey dudey!

Clary: We randomly interrupt this little message to introduce a very important plot point!

Readers: -lean forward in chair-

Clary: My father is dead.

Old Sick Person: He's not dead yet!

-gets slapped with a fish-

Readers: -roll eyes- Everyone's father is dead! I mean, come on! The Very Important Plot Point would be more interesting if she had a big family with bunches of cousins and aunts and uncles! That would be really weird.

Clary: My mother keeps a picture of my dead father on the mantelpiece!

Readers: Cry me a river.

Clary: And she has a box that says J. C. on the outside!

Readers: J.C…. Hmmm…

Clary: And she has a lock of hair in the box and she takes it out and pets it and cries! It's blond.

Readers: Back away slowly….

-key turns in lock-

Clary: -stands frozen in the middle of the room, talking to invisible people-

-Enter Mysterious, Deadly, but not Hot man-

Clary: Oh my gosh, Remus Lupin? You have got to be kidding me!

Remus Lupin: -kindly- You must be mistaken, I am Luke, your almost father!

Clary: Riiiiight….

Lupkin: By the bye, Clary, why is this chapter called Secrets and Pies?

Clary: No!-

-but it was too late-

Lupkin: -banana cream pie to the face-

Readers: -snicker-

Banana Cream Pie: -is annoyed to be splattered all over a complete strangers slightly scruffy face, so gets up, walks away, and joins the Death Eaters-

Lupkin: -gazes after retreating pie- I should have known.

Clary: Yup. So, what's in those boxes?

Box: -is a box-

Readers: That's not redundant at all.

Lupkin: Boxes? Oh, nothing…. Yet.

Clary: Wha?

-enter Jocelyn-

Jocelyn: Heyyyyy. I'm beautiful and mysterious. Just like all the other characters in these books. I'm notable for my absence and my looooong red hair.

-hit pause button while Jocelyn soliloquizes-

Jocelyn: I have a deep dark secret!

Readers: Take a number.

Jocelyn: I don't actually appear at all in this book except for this scene and a scene in the end! Yay! Yo, Clary, we're going on vacation!

Clary: Whaaaaat? But my art classes! My tomato plants! My favorite scrunchy! The refrigerator! Decent food! My pokemon collection! My- -rambles on-

-ten minutes pass-

-everyone leaves-

Clary: Aaaaand my best friend!

Simon In Absentia: Thanks for remembering….

Jocelyn: -turns into Godzilla- You're going and that's that!

Clary: meep.

Simon: ARRIVES!!!!!!!!!!

Simon: Hey Clary, you- Am I interrupting something?

Clary: Yes. No. Maybe. I'm leaving mother! You always ruin everything!

-stomps out-

Simon: -lingers- Bye Mrs. Fray! You look lovely! Have a nice evening!

Clary: Sometimes I wonder if you are sleeping with my mom.

Simon: -blink-

CLARY AND SIMON ARRIVE!!!!!!!!!

That's all for now, folks. People who spot the references get a sneak peek at the next chapter 'cause you're enlightened! Aaaaand...

**REVIEW! 3**


	3. ShadowPunters

Loooong chapter! Yay! And:

Thank you all for your lovely reviews! Just to clear this up, I do, in fact, adore the Mortal Instruments series, I make fun of them, but I'm laughing with them, not at them.

References: Life of Brian, Alice In Wonderland, My Immortal, Maximum Ride, Some Phone Commercial and a refrigerator magnet that I saw once! Yay!

Disclaimer: Consider yourself, unclaimed!

BEGINNINGOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!

Demon: Why is this chapter called ShadowPunters?

Jace: -appears randomly- -kicks demon in a very sensitive area-

Demon: -falls away over horizon-

Jace: -dusts hands off and smirks-

ENDOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!

Clary: -is being waited on by Simon- I want coffee….black….like my soul…. Or like a road after the rain… or like a cat… or like a pirate's teeth… or like….

Readers: Or like your eye's gonna be if you don't stop rambling!

Random Girl: -is wearing all black and hot pink and a corset and is totaly goffik-

Random Girl: Hey, i'm Ebony Raven Dementia Way! –points at Simon- Is tht hawt guy ur booooooooyfriend??

Clary: -deciphers what she's saying- Uh, no?

Random Girl, Hence Identified as Ebony Raven Dementia Way: Is he lyke, taaaaaaken? –twirling dyed black and pink hair around finger-

Clary: -attempts to identify this language- No?

Enoby Rayven Dememememetia Why: -brashly- Is he lyke, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?

Clary: -pause to translate-

Ebnoby Ryvan Dalmatian Why Me: -looks, lyk, suspicious-

Clary: -finally realizes what she's saying-

Readers: A little slow on the uptake, aren't you, mortal fool?

Clary: -hisses into thin air- Don't call me that!

Benosiy Ryan Damnation Way To Be An Idiot: R U, lyk, speeking parseltongue? 'Cuz I can lyk, do tht tooooooooooooooooooo! –begins hissing-

Clary: -stares- No, I don't think he's gay. Why do you stretch your words out like that?

Ebnosey Sparrow Tarnation Way To Go Sport: Lyk whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Simon: -RETURNS!-

Demented Simon Fangirls: SQUEE! –faint-

Readers: Simon has Demented Fangirls?

Author: -defensively- Maybe!

Readers: -are disturbed-

Edward Cullen: -bursts in- No one has Demented Fangirls but me!

Artemis Fowl: Me as well!

Draco Malfoy: Ditto!

Jacob Black: You may have more fangirls than me; leech, but I have your daughter!

Edward Cullen: -vampire screech- -attacks-

Jacob and Edward: -duel-

Everyone: -faints from the sheer hotness in the room-

Authoress: -is annoyed 'cause these darn fictional characters keep messing up the plot flow- -wipes them away like chalk on a blackboard-

ANDNOWTHEFEATUREPRESENTATION!

Everyone: -blinks- -returns to normal business-

Clary: Don't look now, but that girl is stark raving in love with you.

Simon: What? Really? A girl who actually thinks I'm cute? Wow! Who?

Clary: -points to What Ever The Friggen Bullfrog Her Name Is-

You-Know-Who: -smiles, showing fangs, and winks-

Simon: -gulps- -bemoans fate-

Eric: Yola my gwoovy peeps, we has a gnawly show fo' you! Dis is mah homieboy Woderick on da… whaddava dat's called, and I's Ehwic, Pwince of Dawkness!

Official Stupidity Translator: Hello, my friends, we have a superb performance for you. This is my companion Roderick on percussion and I'm Eric, Prince of Darkness.

Simon and Clary: Save us. –squinches down in seat-

Eric: I strike my godforsaken façade! Salaaming to the derriere of the Universe, I ceaselessly beseech my fructose fortuitous loins!

Simon and Clary: Ew. –try to go to happy place-

Simon: -yells over "poetry"- Clary, I need to talk to you! I want a girlfriend!

Clary: So? You're just my sidekick! You aren't supposed to have character!

Simon: -whimpers-

Clary: But I suppose I'll allow you to speak…Carry on, minion.

Simon: I want a girlfriend!

Santa: Sorry son, fresh out of those. What about a new model boyfriend?

-Alec appears, winks coquettishly-

Simon: Uh, no, I think I'll pass… -is disturbed-

-Alec disappears, pouting-

Clary: -blinks- And what am I to do about that?

Simon: -turns green and starts stuttering-

Clary: Speak up!

Simon: Well, you see, I really really really, well, that is to say, I kinda, uh, well, um…

Jace: -nearly pees himself laughing- -falls off couch- -becomes blurry around the edges-

Clary: -is wondering what was in the coffee-

Eric: Discombobulate the simulacrum my precious!

Clary: -winces-

Jace: -is evidently thinking the same thing- - gets up and saunters away-

Clary: -drools-

Jace: Stop watching my butt!

Clary: I'm not watching your butt!

Simon: Clary? Who are you talking to? Are you listening?

Clary: idk my bff jill! I'llberightbackbye!

Simon: -sob-

OOOOUUUUUUUTSIDE!

Jace: -slouches against the wall sexily-

Clary: -mouth drops open slightly before recovering herself- You CREEEEEEPER! Why are you stalking me?

Jace: -looks up lazily, seemingly unperturbed that a very short girl is screaming at him- Declarations of love, especially unrequited ones amuse me. Except when given by me. Than it's not very funny at all.

Clary: Huh?

Jace: -changes subject- Your friends' poetry is terrible.

Clary: Yeah, I know. When we get dragged to these things we always pretend we're actually teletubbies and sing along while making funny faces and dancing. –claps hand over mouth-

Jace: -grins scarily-

Clary: -changes subject- Did you actually pee your pants laughing?

Jace: -blanches- NO! I DIDN'T! Where did you get such a stupid idea? I mean, come on… That's ridiculous…

Clary: Well, your pants are kinda wet…

Jace: -sniffily- It's blood, for your information.

Clary: So you're having your period?

Jace: Argh! Forget it!

Clary: -laughs- Do you want to borrow a pair of jeans?

Jace: Um, that would be lovely. Thank you.

-sometime later-

Jace: -emerges from restroom wearing Clary's pants-

Jace: Are you sure they're supposed to be this tight? –tugs-

Skinny Jeans: -are tight, biatch!-

Clary: -holding back laughter- Yes, Jace, they're supposed to be that tight.

Jace: While this interlude has been amusing, I assume that it's time to return to the plot.

Clary: You're right, but you know what they say about assuming!

Jace: Can we please stay focused?

Clary: Ugh, fine, spoilsport.

Jace: I am not a spoilsport!

Clary: Focus, Jace! –sneers-

Jace: Right. Okay. It's your line.

Clary: Right. Why are you stalking me? I'll call the police!

Jace: -matter of factly- It's really hard to arrest invisible people.

Clary: Oh yeah? Have you ever tried?

Jace: No. But anyway. You can see me.

Clary: Uh, duh. It's not like I actually go around talking to invisible people a lot….

Jace: How fascinating. You look like a mundane. You act like a mundane. You even smell like a mundane.

Clary: Hey! And what do you smell like, then?

Jace: Iron, blood, sweat, soap, and limes, apparently.

Clary: Ew. That sounds gross together.

Jace: I know. I actually wear Clinique Happy.

Clary: -dead silence-

Jace: But moving on…

Clary: Right. So, mundane=human?

Jace: Very smart, mundie-girl.

Clary: Don't call me that! And aren't you human too? –bug eyes-

Jace: Technically, but I'm just awesomer than mundanes, that's why I'm a shadow hunter and you aren't.

Clary: I'm waiting for an explanation, and I imagine our readers are too.

Jace: No. Lemme see your hand.

Clary: If I do, will you leave me alone and than forget you promised to do that and come rescue me from a demon, thus beginning and long and beautiful relationship until we actually turn out to be brothers and sisters which is reeeeeally creepy?

Jace: Psh, yeah, like that'll happen.

Clary: Will you?

Jace: Uh…Sure?

Clary: -sticks out hand-

Jace: Curiouser and curiouser… –examines hand- You will meet a dark, mysterious stranger, hey! I bet that's me! Hmm, you will go on a voyage of self-discovery…When the results of that get back, let me know… and I will be smashed in the face with a cream pie?

Cream Pie: -splat-

Clary: -laughs-

Jace: -growls-

Cream Pie: -realizes that it will probably get crucio'd because it left Voldie's side- -scuttles back-

Jace: I should have known.

Readers: -nod sagely-

Jace: Anyway. You don't have a rune on your hand. I do. Look!

Clary: I zee nutting!

Jace: -eerily peacefully- Let it come to you… Let it rise to the surface of your mind like a cork pushed down too far… let it explode onto your conscience like Hiroshima….oh… explosions…. –head lolls back-

Clary: -slaps- Be serious!

Jace: -looks injured- I am! Just…. look.

Clary: -"just looks"- Ooh! I see it! Yay!

Jace: I'm a shadow hunter! I hunt demons and things that go bump in the night!

Clary: Like vampires and werewolves and mummies?

Jace: I only hunt mommies when they've been naughty. –leers-

Clary: Ew.

Jace: Sooooo, come on! Lets go! –bounces up and down-

Clary: Let's go where? –mutters- you creeper…

Jace: I'm taking you to the institute!

Clary: That sounds creepy.

Flock: -nods sagely-

Clary: What if I don't want to go?

Jace: Well…Too bad!

Clary: You said you'd leave me alone!

Jace: I liiiiiied….

Clary: Ooh, that'll get you on Santa's naughty list!

Jace: -shrugs- I hear Santa's all out of hot girls. All he's got is boyfriends.

Clary: -resolves to be good-

Cell Phone: -rings-

Jace: Feel free to answer that.

Clary: Thanks, Grand High Pooba.

Jace: Grand High Pooba, huh? Has a nice ring to it…

Clary: -rolls eyes- -answers phone-

Jocelyn: I'm in another scene! Score!

Clary: -blinks-

Jocelyn: Uh… Clary! Call the police! Don't come home! Go! Save yourself! –overacts dramatically-

Clary: What? Mom? What's wrong? –overacts-

Jocelyn: -eerily calm- I love you Clary.

Readers: -sob-

Clary: NOOOOOOOES!

Jace: Clary, what's going on?

Phone: -gets dropped-

Clary: DOUBLE NOOOOOOES!

Jace: Has something happened?

Clary: For someone so smart, you're awfully dumb.

Jace: Hey!

Clary: Gimme your phone! I need to call the police! –grabs-

Jace: That won't work, it's not a phone. Duh.

Phone: -is not actually a phone-

Sensor: -is a sensor- -NOT a phone-

Clary: But I need to call the police!

Jace: But why? Tell me, I can help!

Readers: Aw! –clasps hands together-

Clary: -slaps- -runs away-

Readers: -mumble- biatch.

Clary: I'm coming mommy! I, my unarmed and untrained self am leaving the competent, deadly fast Shadowhunter who'll know what's going on to bravely strike out by myself!

Jocelyn: Mortal fool!

Clary: Stop calling me that!

Jace: -stands on corner, deliberates, skips after her-

ENDENDENDENDENDNENENDA;DJFG;LAF;IO

So I got a little carried away with the dialogue. You know you love me... So prove it! Reeeeeview!


	4. LavendarRaveners

To my beautiful readers: You rock! This chapter is a little long 'cause I went over board with the demon thing. Thanks everyone who voted, it's very much appreciated. You got your scene!

References: Wizard of Oz, Cinderella, Georgia Nicholson, Harry Potter, Another My Immortal, (it's just so easy to mock!) Midsummer Nights Dream, Maximum Ride, Gossip Girl.

BEGINNINGOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!!!!

Lavender Ravener

Ravener Demon: -appears, dressed in lavender lace and looking like Victoria's Secret threw up on him-

Shadowhunters: -laugh so hard they snort-

Ravener Demon: -kills them all- BWAHAHAHHA!

ENDOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!

Clary: Just keep running, just keep running running running…

Clary's Feet: Ow…ow….ow….

Clary's Legs: We know! We aren't used to this sort of exercise, no we aren't!

Clary's Brain: Just keep running, just keep running running running…

-rushes home-

Madame Dorothea: The poppies will put them to sleep… -cackles- Clary? It's filthy in here, girl! Clean it! You can't go to the ball until you do!

Clary: Huh? Lemme go, you senile old woman, my mom's in trouble!

Madame Dorothea: -rambles on without noticing that Clary's left-

Clary: -pounds upstairs-

Clary: Hello? Mom? Mommy? Are you there? Mooooooommmmmmyyyyyyyyy?

Readers: -snicker- Mommy? Mortal fool…

Clary: Stop calling me that!

-finds everything destroyed-

Clary: Oh no! My art classes! My tomato plants! My favorite scrunchy! The refrigerator! Decent food! My pokemon collection! My- -rambles on without running away to call the police which is what any sensible person would have done-

-several minutes pass-

Clary: Aaaaand my mom!

Jocelyn In Absentia: Thanks for remembering…

Clary: Hey wait, my mom! Where can she be?

Jocelyn In Absentia : The world may never know….

Clary: -dashes around looking at things-

Paintings: -are ripped up, but not by human hands…. hm-

Readers: -silently scream- LEAVE NOW AND FIND THAT SMEXY SHADOWHUNTER, BEFORE YOU GET EATEN, MORTAL FOOL!

Clary: I told you to stop calling me that!

Tabasco Sauce: -is spilled over the floor- -bears an uncanny resemblance to blooooood…-

FORESHADOWING!FORESHADOWING!FORESHADOWING!!!!!!!!

After that tasteful and subtle bittle lit of foreshadowing….

Unidentified Sobbing Noise: -sobs- -duh-

Clary: Mom? Is that you?

Unidentified Sobbing Noise: No, I'm Moaning Myrtle!

Clary: From Harry Potter? –excitedly-

Now Identified Sobbing Noise, aka, Moaning Myrtle: Erm…

Clary: -feeling kind of cross- Come here so I can see you!

Moaning Myrtle: -slithers forward- -is a cross between an alligator and a centipede and an overly lipsticked homo erectus-

Clary: -meep-

Moaning Myrtle: -moans-

Clary: What happened to _you_?

Moaning Myrtle: That wasn't very –sniff- sensitive, was it?

Clary: I'm sorry. Lemme try again. Are you okay?

Moaning Myrtle: Nooooo! I'm so sad!

Clary: I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like a cup of tea?

Moaning Myrtle: That would be so –sob- nice!

Clary: -potters around kitchen making tea- -completely forgetting about her mother-

Jocelyn: Hey! I need to be rescued here!

Clary: Cream or sugar?

Moaning Myrtle: -sniff- Both please.

Clary: -sitting down with mug of tea across from Moaning Myrtle- So is your name really Moaning Myrtle?

Moaning Myrtle: No, that's just my drag queen name. My real name is Joseph.

Clary: -blinks- Would you like to talk about it?

Moaning Myrtle Hence Identified as Joseph: Yes please. I've always wanted to be a girl. When I was a baby demon, I hated my decapitation classes. I'd rather learn how to cook eyeballs with marrow glaze. –proudly- I was the best in my class

Clary: -politely-Sounds delicious.

Joseph: It was. But when I grew up, my dad made me stop wearing pink. I just feet like no one understands me anymore! No one cares about me and my suffering! I was even declined to the national society of drag queens for the measly issue of species!

Clary: That's discrimination!

Joseph: I know! They even said I didn't have the right look! Apparently, alligator skin went out last spring!

Clary: No! I've been wearing it since August!

Joseph: And I even saw Britney wearing it to the Oscars! I told them that, but noooo, DQVogue says noooo…. But I saw it in ISVogue!

Clary: DQVogue?

Joseph: Drag Queen Vogue.

Clary: Ah. ISVogue?

Joseph: InterSpecies Vogue.

Clary: That sounds fascinating.

Joseph: Yes. I tried to intern there, but just 'cause I ate one measly model, nooooo, I wasn't allowed. I guess that stupid queen of fairies is much more important than a poor Lavender Ravener demon.

Clary: -notices it's dressed primarily in lavender silk- Ah. That must be difficult for you.

Joseph: You have no idea. –sniffles-

Clary: -tactfully- It seems like a lot of your problems come from your clothes. I know someone who could give you an amazing makeover free!

Joseph: That sounds amazing! We could have a girls day! Whoever it is has to understand that lavender silk is my trademark, just like Jace, that smexy shadowhunter, wears Clinique Happy?

Clary: -squees- You know Jace?

Joseph: Who doesn't? He's only the hottest homo erectus around!

Clary: But wouldn't you have a bit of difficulty with the problem of species? And uh, I don't mean to be insensitive, but….

Joseph: Gender? And the fact that his kind is sworn to wipe out mine? And the fact that we've never actually met?

Clary: Yeah.

Joseph: That will never stop True Love™! Just look at Romeo and Juliet!

Clary: -wisely decides not to press the point- Can I borrow your phone? I wanna call the girl for makeovers!

Joseph: Okay! –hands hot pink razr-

Clary: -dials Alice Cullen-

Clary: Hi, Alice?

Alice: I'm on my way over. This will be my most challenging project evah! –hangs up-

Clary: Well, that was mighty rudey dudey.

Joseph: It's okay, girlfriend. Happens all the time. –takes sip of tea-

Joseph: Agh! –chokes-

Clary: Joseph! Are you okay?

Joseph: Is there _milk _in this? –big hacking cough-

Clary: -startled- Yeah, I ran out of cream. Is that a problem?

Joseph: Mortal fool, all demons are lactose intolerant! I'm DYYYYYYING!

Clary: Noooooes! Can I help?

Joseph: No, the poison's in my blood!

Clary: I'm so sorry! –tear-

Joseph: When I'm dead, I leave all my purple silk to you. You were the only person to listen to me my whole dprzzing life! Wear them and remember me!

Clary: I will!

Readers: -wonder just how we got so off topic and are probably cursing my name right now-

Authoress: You know you love me…

Joseph: -dramatic death gurgle- Thus die I, thus, thus, thus. Now am I dead, Now am I fled; my soul is in the sky: Tongue, lose thy light; Moon take thy flight. Now die, die, die, die, die.

Clary: -gawks- -applauds-

Joseph: -dies-

Clary: -sobs-

Readers: -laugh heartlessly-

Clary: Wait! I just remembered! I'm lactose intolerant too! Nooooooo! –keels over on top of Joseph-

Jace: -crashes in- I'll save you Clary! –looks around-

What He Sees: -drag queen demon in lavender silk dead on floor- -Clary sprawled over it in very compromising position apparently unconscious- -normal wreckage- -milk on the counter-

Jace: -lightbulb- Eureka! –blushes- Poor Clary! She must have sacrificed herself to keep the demon busy until I arrived to save her!

Alice, Somewhere On A Freeway: -turns around and goes home-

Clary: -stirs- Joseph! Where is she?

Jace: It's okay, Clary, it's dead. I can't believe you seduced it so you could kill it. That was brilliant.

Clary: Noooooes! Lactose intolerant!

Jace: Yes, how did you know that all demons are lactose intolerant?

Clary: Me! Me too!

Jace: What?

Clary: I'm dying here idiot!

Jace: Oh no! You're dying!

Clary: No friggen duh! –faints-

Jace: -catches her like he caught fainting girls every day- -maybe he did-

Readers: Now why is that so hot?

Jace: -smirks- It's me. You can't resist my amazing charm and good looks.

Readers: True dat.

Clary: -hits Jace upside the head- Get me to a hospital, you idiot!

Jace: Oh nooooes! She won't live to get to the Institute unless I mark her and risk turning her into a crazed version of Inferi except maddened! –intense thought- I think I'll gamble her life on a speculation of mine! Great idea, Jace. You've done it again.

Clary and Jace: -GO TO INSTITUTE!!!!!-

Flock: -make emphatic throat cutting gestures- Don't do it!

OMJFORESHADOWINGBYFFLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well. I got way carried away by the demon scene. I tend to do that a lot. It's kinda pathetic, but really fun. :D But you know you love me… So REVIEW!!!!


	5. Dave, Mrs Mclave, and the Covenant

Hey y'all, I apoligize for the long delay, but you see, I've found this amazing thing called Facebook... :D So here is an extra long chapter to make up for it.

References: Alice in Wonderland, Lolita, Spamalot, Dr. Laura, The Raven, Artemis Fowl... I think that's it. You know the drill. Spot the reference and get a super sneaky sneaky peeky!

I only own two cats, two dogs, and two siblings. (Luckily, I'm not romantically entangled with them...)

BEGINNINGOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!!!!!

Dave, Mrs. McClave and the Covenant!

Dr. Seuss: Did I ever tell you that Mrs. McClave

Had twenty-three sons and she named them all Dave?

Readers: No, you didn't. –blink-

Dr. Seuss: Well, she did. And that wasn't a smart thing to do.

You see, when she wants one and calls out, "Yoo-Hoo!

Come into the house, Dave!" she doesn't get ONE.

All twenty-three Daves of hers come on the run!

Readers: We can see how that might be inconvenient. But what does this have to do with the story?

Author: Just you wait!

Dr. Seuss: So poor old Mrs. McClave,

She made a deal with the devil that day.

In return for her soul for the devil to eat,

She gave all of her Daves to become demon meat.

But one of the Daves, said, "We shouldn't be eaten!

We must train, train, train to become unbeaten!

So they did. And all over the land, all of the Daves

Were trained to fight demons when they misbehaved.

Thus the shadowhunters were born, all sexy in black,

And this is what Readers can see, when Clary gets back.

WILDAPPLAUSEWILDAPPLAUSEWILDAPPLAUSE!

ENDOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!ENDOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!

Alec: OMG, do you think she'll evah wake up? Like, evah?

Isabelle: Have patience, young grasshopper. All in good time.

Alec: Why are you like, talking like that?

Isabelle: The answers will come to you in time… For now, be patient. Your time will come.

Time: -passes!-

Clary: -dreams of Isabelle naked-

Readers: -raise eyebrows-

Clary: -has more really trippy and strangely prophetic dreams-

Readers: Well, if that's not bizarrely obvious, we don't know what is!

More Time: -passes!- -some more!- -time!- -passes!-

Alec: I TOLD you it was the same girl! I TOLD YOU SO! HA! In yo face! –does victory dance-

Isabelle: -sniffily- I never said it wasn't, I said it didn't look like the same one. I thought she was a pixie when I saw her. –pause- She isn't pretty enough to be a pixie though. –pause- Is she?

Alec: She's not nearly as ravishing as you! –bats eyelashes-

Readers: -pause- That is wrong in so many ways.

Isabelle: Thank you, brother dearest! –simpers- Speaking of ravishing, Jace said she killed that ravener!

Alec: -bug eyes- How?

Isabelle: He said she seduced it-

Alec: Kinky…

Isabelle: -to kill it.

Alec: Ah.

Isabelle: Mh hm.

Alec: Yeah.

Isabelle: You know it, biotch!

Readers: -blink-

Isabelle: -looks around- -blushes- -changes subject-

Isabelle: Heeeeeey Alec!

Alec: What?

Isabelle: Shall we subtly explain, foreshadow and use other noted literary techniques to inform the reader on what is taking place in the narrative?

Alec: That was awfully smart sounding… for a blonde.

Isabelle: -gets steamed- I TOLD you never to mention the Great Debacle of Eighth Grade ever again!

Alec: Haha, that was the best prank ever. Poor Jace, though. You really got him good for that.

Isabelle: NO ONE messes with my hair. No one. EVAH! –eyes burn- -no, literally-

Alec: -backs away slowly-

Readers: -feel slightly afraid-

Clary: -is still asleep-

Alec: -quavers- Isabelle?

Isabelle: WHAT?

Alec: -quivers- Are you okay? Maybe you should-

Isabelle: If you say 'calm down', I swear, you will get a third nostril.

Alec: -meeps-

Isabelle: -takes deep breaths-

Alec: -whispers- So how about that foreshadowing?

Isabelle: Okay. Fine. So, Alec, do you think Hodge will send for the Silent Brothers?

Alec: -sounding rehearsed- I hoooope not! They give me the creeeeeps! They muuuuuuuuutilate themselves!

Isabelle: -gives strange look- We mutilate ourselves.

Alec: We do? Ew! That's totally gross!

Isabelle: -doubts her brother's sanity-

Alec's Sanity: -feels doubted-

Isabelle: Speaking of doubting sanity, where's Jace? I thought they were madly in love!

Alec: Do you get the feeling that at the end of this book, they'll find out they're madly in love and also brother and sister?

Isabelle: That's as stupid as saying that you and me will get together!

Alec: Oh come on! That will never happen. For one thing-

Isabelle: Yes?

Alec: Never mind. –changes subject- Hey! She moved!

Isabelle: Really? I guess we should end our long conversation, also ending most of our parts for a bit.

Alec: C'mon, do we have to?

Isabelle: It is as the writer decrees it, young grasshopper.

Alec: Don't, like, call me that!

-Exeunt all but Clary-

Clary: -rips eyelids open-

Clary's Flesh: -tears with sucking noise-

Readers: -shudder fastidiously-

Clary: OH MY GOD AM I DEAD?

Readers: No, mortal fool.

Clary: Good, 'cause this is a lame kinda heaven.

Isabelle: I'm here, aren't I?

Clary: What would that make you, an angel?

Isabelle: No, god.

Clary: Oh. Really? 'Cause, like, I gotta ask you something-

Isabelle: -blinks- I'm not God, mortal fool.

Clary: Oh. –is confused-

Isabelle: Anyway, you stink, you're apparently naked under that sheet, and Jace burnt your clothes.

Clary: Please. Use little words and small sentences.

Isabelle: Okay. Drink this. Put this on. You smell. I don't like you.

Clary: Thanks.

Isabelle: I'm Isabelle. This is the Institute. We hunt demons. Mac and cheese is good-

Bottle: Drink ME! Drink ME!

Clary: -stares at bottle with mouth slightly open-

Isabelle: -rambles on- Red flannel is warmer than white. I'm going shopping next Thursday. My hair looks better down than up. To make soup, all you need is peanut butter, fish, olive oil and onions-

Clary: -drinks stuff in bottle-

Readers: -expect her to grow-

Clary: -doesn't grow

Isabelle: -shuts up-

Readers: Finally!

Clary: Oohoohoo! I feel better! I feel… happy! I'm not dead yet!

Isabelle: Well, you still smell. Go and clean up.

Clary: Yes ma'am. –salutes-

Isabelle: Wait! Come back! You killed a ravener?

Clary: -bursts into hysterical tears-

Isabelle: Oh no! It must have been a traumatic experience, killing your first demon. Poor thing!

Clary: -sobs harder-

Isabelle: Poor thing, poor thing… -cuddles-

Clary: -sniffs- -tragic heroine voice- I'm going to get cleaned up now… Um… -is naked under sheet apparently and wonders how she's going to get to the bathroom-

Isabelle: Okay, poor thing, the bathroom's in there. Here are some clothes for you.

Clary: Thanks. –cleans up-

Isabelle: My clothes look reallyreallyreallyreally stupid on you.

Clary: That they do. Anyhoodles…

Isabelle: Soooo….

Clary: What now?

Isabelle: Now the Author has to remember what comes next in the scene and dig out her book from all the stuff on her desk.

Clary: -looks in awe- How do you know?

Isabelle: -nods- It's written on the teleprompter.

Clary: -feels stupid-

-some time passes-

Clary and Isabelle: -feel awkward-

Author: NOOOOOES!!! I forgot the awesome stuff!

-REWIND!-

Isabelle: Jace burned your clothes, by the way. –looks confused-

Clary: -has major déjà vu- He did? Tell me, is he always this rude or does he save it for me, prompting a hot love/hate relationship?

Isabelle: Oh no, he's rude to everyone. That's what makes him so damn sexy.

Clary: -wonders about the themes of incest that seem common- Aren't you guys brother and sister?

Isabelle: Nah, what made you think that? We don't look alike at all.

Clary: -ponders- You aren't shacking up with him, are you?

Dr. Laura: SHACKING UP IS BAD!

Isabelle: -chokes on milk she's not drinking for dramatic effect- No, mortal fool. That would be weird.

Clary: Where are his parents?

Isabelle: You're determined to ask awkward questions, aren't you? And they're dead.

Clary: -is insensitive and clueless- How did they die?

Isabelle: Who says they're dead?

Clary: You did. Just now.

Isabelle: Oh. So I did. Anyway, shall we move the plot on, now?

Clary: Sounds good. Lemme get cleaned up.

Isabelle: -déjà vu-

Clary: -déjà vu-

-Collective Blink-

Clary: In utter stupidity, I think I'll go wander the possibly dangerous corridors in search of Edward Cullen.

Readers: Well, as much as a quest for Edward Cullen is a toothsome idea, wandering strange corridors is probably not the best idea. Fool.

Clary: -disregards good advice- -not for the first time- -hears piano playing- Oh my Carlisle, it's him!

Readers: Wow, really????? COOL!

Clary: -follows piano playing like a bloodhound to a scent-

Jace: -sits at piano barefoot with bed hair-

Readers: Wait, I could have sworn… That's not Edward Cullen!

Clary: -dreamily- No, better.

Jace: Thanks. I know.

Author: Wait! You don't notice her yet! Just keep playing sexily!

Clary: There's something so sexy about piano players…

Jace: I know there is. I find myself irresistibly attracted to myself sometimes.

Clary: -makes mental note to learn piano-

Author: Grr. Jace, you can hear a noise now.

Jace: -dramatically, swiveling around- Alec? Is that you coming for our top-secret tryst?

Readers: What?

Clary: -still dazed- Wha?

Author: That's not in the script, fool!

Jace: I know. I just wanted to shake things up a bit.

Alec: -from wherever he is- -sobs-

Jace: Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Who kissed you awake?

Clary: You can, if you want.

Jace: Nah. That comes later.

Clary: Oh. –tries not to look depressed-

Author: Argh! Whhyyyyyyy do these creatures deviate from the script? Whyyyyy?

Readers: -murmur sympathetically-

Jace: -stands up- Come on. I'll take you to Hodge.

SCENE CHANGE!

Jace: Instead of making the Author think up a better or stupider way of rewriting this scene which is pretty much an information dump and foreshadowing and character fleshing out, I can deliver the same information in a short and easy to read format!

Author: -stretches tired fingers- Sounds good.

Jace: Okay. Institute = Research. Residential. Lots of bedrooms. –wiggles eyebrows- Alec + Isabelle + Max (filler charrie!) = Siblings. Home Country of Shadowhunters = Idris. Idris = Impenetrable by mundanes. Jace=grew up in Idris. Shadowhunters=Fighters of Demons that live all over the world where they're needed. I have everything I need. Really. Everything I need plus a blue cat.

Clary: -nods- A blue cat is everything one needs in life.

Jace: Are you mocking me?

Clary: Uh, no?

Jace: Okay….

Clary: Ooooooooooooh a LIBRARY! I suddenly reveal that I actually love to read even though that's never been mentioned before! Yay!

Hodge: Ahhhhh, a book lover, I see? –peers into Clary's eyes-

Clary: Creeper.

Hodge: How beautiful you are, my dear.

Clary: Pedophilic creeper.

Hodge: Would you be interested in going on a cross country tour of America???

Hugo: Nevermore. –smirks dryly- -as much as a raven can smirk-

Clary: AGH! Humbert Humbert! Noooooes! Save me, Jace! –leaps behind Jace-

Hodge: My dear girl, calm yourself. I have no intention of making off with you. –adds to himself- Yet.

Clary: Okay. Good. Wait, what?

Hodge: Nothing… nothing…. Anyhoodles, my name is Hodge Starkweather.

Readers: -feel their names are painfully short and ordinary compared to Clary Fray, Isabelle Lightwood, Jace Wayland, Valentine Morgenstern, Hodge Starkweather….-

Clary: I'm Clary Fray.

Hodge: I hear you killed a demon. With your _bare hands!_

Clary: -sobs- But- but- but-

Hodge: No buts, it was a great thing to do.

Alec: -appears from no where- Yeah right….

Hodge: Huh?

Alec: C'mon, you actually think she killed a demon with her bare hands? That's ridiculous! She's so midgety!

Clary: Hey!

Jace: You can't deny it.

Clary: Watch me! –denies- I am not actually four foot five!

Jace: -whips out measuring tape-

Measuring Tape: You, m'dear, are exactly four feet, five inches.

Jace: -laughs-

Clary: -steams-

Alec: Hello? Pay attention to me please!

Clary: Why? You're just going to insult me!

Alec: True. True….true…-ponders-

Clary: Ohemgee, you look just like Isabelle! Wow!

Alec: You try going around looking just like your little sister. It's enough to drive you mad!

Clary: Jace, which one do you think is shmexier, Alec or Isabelle?

Jace: I'm even not going to dignify that with a reply.

Clary: Haha, you just did! Neehee!

Jace: -sniffs-

Hodge: Can we please stay on topic for once?

Jace: How would you know if we never stay on topic? This is your first scene!

Hodge: I've been spying on you. While you're in the shower.

Jace: EEK! EW! NO!!!!!!

Clary: EEK! EW!! NO!!!!

Alec: So that's who's been messing up my camera! Oops…

Everyone: -stares-

Clary: Let's pretend this never happened, okay?

Everyone: -nods faintly-

Clary: It's your line, Alec.

Alec: Okay. Wait, what am I saying?

Clary: -patiently- (a) Insult me, (b) Moon after Jace, (c) Insinuate that I'm a big fat liar, and/or (d) be snotty.

Alec: I'll take all of the above for one million dollars, Clary.

Clary: You can do that?

Alec: Watch me. –clears throat- Clary, you furry freak, you aren't worthy of Jace like I am. You're a big fat liar and I don't have to talk to you. –sniffs-

Clary: Wow, that was good.

Alec: I know, right?

Clary: Too good. Die, biatch!

-fight-

Jace: -yanks them apart- No one gets to make snotty remarks and fight except me. So stop it.

Hodge: -clears throat- Ahem, shall we get back on topic?

Clary: -glares daggers at Alex- Yes, lets.

Jace: Okay. Hodge, I hope you don't mind, but I risked Clary's life on this gamble I had, like, she would have died, and so I like, put a rune on her-

Hodge: You WHAT??? Fool! Haven't you learned anything from the last time you tried that? Egads!

Clary: Last time?

Jace: Long story. I'm sorry Hodgey Podgey, it won't happen again. Please forgive me? Pretty please with demon eyeballs in marrow glaze on top? –bats eyelashes-

Hodge: Fine. You're forgiven. She doesn't really matter anyway.

Clary: Hey!

Jace: You must be a shadowhunter!

Clary: I'm not!

Jace: Ooooh yes you are! Yes you are my little splooge muffin! Yes you are!

Clary: Creeeeper….

Jace: Yeah, sorry. But the point is, you've got to be a shadow hunter! It's impossible you aren't! Do you know anyone who knows if you're a shadowhunter?

Clary: Oh yeah, Luke! He must be worried! I must call him!

-calls Luke-

Clary: Hello? Luke!

Luke: I don't love you anymore. Go away. Don't contact me again.

Clary: -sob- You meany butt! –hangs up-

Phone: Well, that was mighty rudeydudey!

Readers: True dat. –start to wonder if Luke is bipolar- -contemplate giving him chocolate, 'cause hey! it worked for Remus Lupin!-

Luke: -from wherever he is- -pricks up wolfy ears at mention of chocolate-

Clary: Never let anyone see you cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry- -cries-

Jace: Haha, you big baby… neehee!

Clary: -slaps-

Jace: Owwie! Me and Alec go play in weapon room now, like big boys!

Alec: -stunned delight-

Jace: Did you bring Shadowhunter!Barbie? –eager-

Alec: -abject despair- No, only Silent Brother Ken.

Jace: Oh well. We can make dresses for them out of dagger sheaths!

Alec: Yeah. :.( -sad face-

Alec and Jace: -LEAVE CLARY TO PEDOPHILIAC CREEPER!-

Hodge: Sit down my dear, and tell me about it.

Clary: Well, in the last few days, I've been seeing things that aren't there, my mother's disappeared, I killed a drag queen demon with lavender silk and milk and –starts cackling maniacally- that hot shadowhunter is actually my brother and I'm soon to be the victim of a complex and slightly confusing series of events that will devastate, decimate and delineate my fragile self!

Hodge: I'm so glad you feel that way. Here's a complicated explanation that is sure to make you feel better by taking your mind off what's wrong with your life to try and comprehend my garbled clarification!

Clary: Claryfication. Ha.

Hodge: Once upon a time-

Clary: I thought this was an explanation!

Hodge: It is. Let me get to the good part.

Clary: Does this involve Jace in a bikini doing interpretive dance with a leprechaun?

Hodge: Why would you think that?

Clary: 'Cause they're standing outside the door practicing?

Hodge: Ah. Well, indeed, they are going to, ah, perform a creative illustration of the text.

-outside-

Holly Short: -adjusts squirrel costume- I can't believe you got me into this.

SORRYSORRYSORRY!

Sorry to leave you with a cliff-hanger, but, uh, after writing fourteen pages of pure genius, (if I do say so myself...) I unfortunately have misplaced my muse. Please leave ideas, and BTW, I like it when you tell me what you like. -winks-


	6. Incredibly Indelibly Mockable

Dreadfully sorry I haven't updated in so long, old chaps. It's been busy…. Like, epically so. This is dedicated to Anya Mencae for catching the "literary" references, and writersblock7777 for spurring me out of my apathy. YOU ROCK!

References: Star Wars, Harry Potter, Monty Python, Blazing Saddles, an indirect Georgia Nicholson, Midsummer Nights Dream and Artemis Fowl.

Disclaimer: My god, do you really think I own this? I pwn this! Don't be ridiculous!

BEGINNINGOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!BEGINNINGOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!

Author: Since I haven't finished the former chapter, I will mock the title!!!

Everyone: Sounds good! –nods robotically-

REALBEGINNING!

Clary: Why is it called City of Bones?

Jace: With me in it, it should be called the City of Pwns.

Clary: -cuffs upside the head- Don't be ridiculous!

Jace: -rubs wounded head- I'm not! Look! The book cover is changing!

Clary: How can you see that from here? You're INSIDE the book, fool!

Jace: -sniffs haughtily- You should know better than to question my Shadowhunter Glory. ™ -wind whips hair-

Clary: -drools- Damn straight….

ENDOFNOTVERYFUNNYCHAPTERGAGJOKE!

Simon: -chipperly- This chapter is brought to you by the letter Pwn-

Isabelle: -examines nails- And the number Your Mom.

Simon: -acting like a hyperactive chipmunk- Thank you for watching Mortal Fools!

Isabelle: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we go now?

Simon: -dejected chipmunk- But, but, but, don't you like the letter Pwn?

Isabelle: -stares at him like she found him on the heel of her Manolos-

Simon: -whimpers and follows her out-

Jace: -appears from no where- You are so whipped, man.

Simon: -scowls- -runs after Isabelle- Wait up!

Jace: -sighs and turns back to Holly Short- Soooo…. Do you know the dance?

Holly: Yes. But Jace, I swear, if you show those pictures of me and Trouble to anyone-

Jace: There will be Trouble? –cackles at own wit-

Holly: -sighs- -resolves to never have a Barbie sleepover again-

Readers: -breathe sigh of relief-

Holly: You thought- you thought- -meep-

Readers: -shrug defensively- Well, gosh!

Author: -sighs impatiently- Can we please get on with the story?

Jace: A simply spiffing idea, old chap.

Jace and Holly: -ENTER CHAMBER WITH A BANG OF FIREWORKS!-

Readers: Are they really going to do this stupid dance?

Jace and Holly: -start doing stupid interpretive dance as Hodge intones-

Hodge: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

Readers: NOW HOLD UP THERE! This is ridiculous! We came here for some good old educated parody loving, and what is this? This is too ridiculous to be allowed to live! Good god! We must insist you cease and desist!

Jace: Oh yeah? Who's going to stop us?

Holly: I am. –tackles-

Jace: -screams- Help! I'm being attacked by an elf in a squirrel costume!

Clary: -apparates- -smiles smugly- Ah, where is your Extreme Patented ShadowHunter Glory™ now, mortal fool?

Jace: Actually, I'm not actually sure rather I'm mortal or not, the author is unclear on this point. But that's not important right now! –finally fending off the demented squirrel elf he gasps out- All right! All right! No more interpretive dance!

Random House Elves: -cheer!-

Jace: -dusting himself off and glowering- What are they so happy about?

Hermione: -knowledgably- Well, if you had actually performed the interpretive dance, and if Hodge had uttered the word 'Terpsichore' while you pirouetted, the world for house elves would have come to an end due to lack of cleaning supplies.

J.K Rowling: What? I don't recall putting that in….

Hermione: -over her shoulder- It was a footnote.

J.K: Okay.

Rhyming Fangirls: That RHYYYYYMESSSSS! SQUEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Readers: -shake heads despairingly- -beseech the heavens- HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?????? THIS USED TO BE A SANE PARODY!!!!

Clary: It did? –scratches head-

Readers: YESSSSS!!!!

Author: Fine. Let's get back on track, if you're going to be so picky about this. –pouts-

Readers: -take deep breath-

Hodge: And that's the situation.

Clary: -points and laughs- Information dumper!

Hodge: -crosses arms and pouts- It's not my fault! Hodge is merely pawn in game of life…

Clary: But why? Why can't you proudly leap off the board and declare yourself a life free zone?

Alec: Because then you'd be dead.

Isabelle: Duh.

Random Whispering: _Mortal foooool…_

Clary: Stop calling me that!

Everyone: -looks around innocently- What? Clary, are you listening to those voices again? We told you, they only want to get in your pants!

Clary: -is overcome by disturbing images and falls twitching to the floor-

Readers: -giggle innocently-

Hodge: Shut yo mouf! Ima talk now!

Clary: -blink- When'd you get so gangsta?

Hodge: I've always been gangsta! Your perceptions of me have just changed. So really, when you think about it, you and I both do not exist. Nothing exists but the world around us.

Clary: A little too deep for me…

Hodge: Wutevs fo you!

Clary: Anywoodles, I wanna go home!

Hodge: -whistles loudly- Stupidity in aisle four, repeat, stupidity in aisle four….

Clary: Wha?

Hodge: Don't be stupid! There are sure to be monsters and demons and nasty things there!

Clary: I could drag Jace along to a certain death!

Hodge: Oh, that's okay then! He and Alec are in the weapon room, doing big boy stuff.

Clary: Okay! –trots off-

Hodge: Lord, what fools these mortals be! Come here, my raven that is attempting to make a literary reference to both Odin and Poe!

Hugo: Nevermore. –smirks-

And that's it for now, folks. Once again, I apologize. Happy nice weathering!

REVIEW TO TELL ME WHAT A HORRIBLE PERSON I AM FOR NOT UPDATING!!!!!!!

(And tell me your favorite line!)


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